Life is crazy, isn't it? The ups and downs we go through; the struggles, the joys, the fears, the excitement. What do you do when the "going gets tough"? Who/what do you turn to? Where does your strength come from? Do you have hope that is secure despite life's circumstances? While you think on that, let me tell you a little story.
Our precious baby boy, Dominic Eli, is coming up on his 1st birthday, and yes, it's taken me THIS LONG to type this up. It's about time I share something with you all that has shaped and molded me as a person. It's something that is a part of my life story now ... and, even more so, our son's story.
When I found out that I was pregnant back in June of 2014, the joy that swept over me and my husband was indescribable! We were going to have a BABY! We were going to be PARENTS! (Whoa!) It's a good thing that you have 9 months before a baby arrives because there's a lot to gear up for. Big (and I mean REALLY big) changes were ahead of us and we were so excited for this new chapter in our lives. I was ready! Bring it on.
My pregnancy was a breeze (for the most part). I loved being pregnant. I really did! I was THAT person that most expectant mother's hated because I had no morning sickness, no aches or pains, no weird food cravings. Nada. The only severe symptom I had was heart burn. And when I say "severe", I mean I was poppin' TUMS like it was nobody's business - right up until the day Dominic made his appearance! Insane.
All of my prenatal check-ups were good. Things were progressing well; I was healthy, baby was healthy and I was so thankful to God for His goodness! It was all smooth sailing and care-free ... until about mid-October at my second ultrasound appointment. The doctor told us that he saw a very tiny "white spot" on the baby's heart. With wide eyes I asked the doctor what that meant exactly. He told us that it could be 1 of 3 things: 1) it could be nothing at all -more of a speck from the ultrasound's unclear picture 2) calcium deposit - which is common and has a 100% chance of going away or 3) it could be an early detection of down syndrome. Remember when I told you my pregnancy was "smooth sailing and care-free"? Curve-ball.
The doctors encouraged me to get blood work done to pursue the "little white spot" on baby's heart and do some screen testing which would help narrow down the possibility of Dominic being born with down syndrome. So that is exactly what I did. "What's one more needle prick anyways?" I thought. So, I had the blood work done and told myself not to worry about it. "It's nothing I'm sure. It can't be anything. I'm fairly young; I'm pretty healthy and down-syndrome doesn't run in my family or my husband's."(At that point in time I didn't know that down-syndrome doesn't work like that, it's not a hereditary thing.) I was about 99% sure that my blood work would come back showing no signs for worry or concern. Plus, I knew God was in control of the situation ... so I didn't worry much about it.
The nurse told me that the test results can take up to a week and that if I don't hear back from them that's usually a good sign. A week's time came and went and I didn't hear back. I was in the clear! It's all good! But, just to be sure, I decided I would call my doctor's office and ask for the test results. That's when the unexpected words were spoken and time stood still for a moment ... "Jenna, actually your blood work came back positive." My heart sank. My voice trembled and suddenly every inch of me was filled with worry and fear. The nurse reassured me in her very sweet, soft voice that this does NOT mean our baby has down syndrome... they would just like to pursue this further by sending me to a specialist for another (more extensive) ultrasound and check for other signs of down syndrome. I was told I would be given the option to have an "amniocentesis". Now, not only did I have no idea how to pronounce that word, I didn't even know what it meant. (For those that don't know, this is an even further test - involving a huge needle inserted into the stomach- in which the doctor would extract amniotic fluid from the uterus providing the doctors with genetic material for testing giving us a 100% read on if baby has down syndrome or not.)
Needless to say, I freaked out. I mean, I REALLY freaked out. I was so scared that I didn't even feel like myself anymore. What was I supposed to do? I didn't know whether I should have the amniocentesis or not - the possible risks alone that were involved in having this procedure done were enough to scare anyone. (Including miscarriage.) I cried. A lot. I prayed for wisdom. I cried some more. I poured my heart out to my husband. I talked with my family. I talked with a couple close friends. I asked my church family for prayer and advice. Now, granted, this was all thrown into my lap within a 24-hour span. (24 hours of emotional exhaustion.) I specifically remember telling my husband, as he held me in his arms, "I'm not strong enough to handle this. How am I supposed to know what to do? How am I to make a decision? I just can't do this!"
The thing about BEING HUMAN is that we like to know stuff. Details. Dates. Times. STUFF, we like to know stuff! I think most of us can agree that we would like to know what's in our future rather than to be totally left in the dark so that we can plan, prepare or even prevent/avoid things from happening in our lives, (if its within our power.) So this is what it came down to ... did I NEED to know for sure, through amniocentesis if there was a health concern with our baby? Did I have to know so badly that I would put my child at risk of death simply because I wanted more information. For a definite answer. And all in the name of "putting my mind at ease."
Through much prayer and guidance from friends and family... I had made my decision. I could not live with myself if I had chosen to have this testing done and then lost the baby shortly after that. No, I would not do the "amnio" even if it IS what every professional and every highly educated doctor recommended I do. Would I ever consider terminating the pregnancy? Absolutely not! That question was never on the table. This is a LIFE we are talking about! I (we) will love our child all the same, with or without a disability. God is STILL in control of this situation. "With God all things are possible." So we pressed on even though we didn't know for sure what our future would look like. We have supportive, loving friends and family surrounding us and my husband and I were committed to trusting that, even in these uncertain circumstances, we would rely on God's strength to see us through this one. What is faith if you never get to use it anyways?
We prayed for Dominic's health. We prayed that no matter what the outcome... we would still praise the Lord! Because God is STILL good even in the hard stuff. (Amen?!)
I was considered a "high risk pregnancy" from then on out. I had monthly ultrasounds for "extra monitoring" to make sure that Dominic was growing as he should be/looking for any signs of birth defects. And let me tell you, every ultrasound report was the same. "Everything looks good so far. Remember there is no guarantee here, we don't have any solid answers but everything SEEMS to be looking great." I didn't mind going to these frequent ultrasound appointments because I got to see my baby boy! Most Moms get a total of maybe 3 ultrasounds throughout their whole pregnancy, but in my case I got triple that! I still smile when I think about it. Before every appointment I would pray. I would also bring the four pages of encouraging Bible verses that my mom hand-wrote for me so that I could be filled with confidence in the promises of God rather than being driven by fear and worry of the unknown. (Mom, thanks again, you are truly the best Mom a daughter could ever hope for. YOUR faith made MY faith a stronger one and I love you for it.)
Let's fast forward a bit now. Let's skip over all the check-ups, stress-tests and special monitoring that happened during my pregnancy because at the end of the day, no matter what the doctors told me, (even though everything still appeared to be just fine with baby) I had peace. The kind of peace that the Bible talks about: "a peace that surpasses all understanding". Peace that God is in control, knows what's best for us and that all I needed to do was to trust Him. Like REALLY trust Him with my whole heart. Everyone that met with me for these appointments and/or looked through my file was astounded at how "cool, calm and collective" I was. Most Moms (especially first-time Moms) wanting solid answers would be freaking out on everyone. So I used this as a platform to speak of my faith and trust in Christ. God was using this situation to glorify Himself and now, looking back, I am so thankful that He did that. Using an ordinary woman (such as myself) turning the weak into the strong and confident.
February 20th, 2015 at 12:18am we got to meet our precious son and hold him in our arms for the very first time. 7 lbs. 3 oz. - perfectly happy, perfectly healthy and perfectly ours. Knocking our socks off since the moment we laid eyes on him. God is good! No. God is MORE than good. GOD IS GREAT!
This ones for for all the "Mommys-to-be" out there. For all the first-time Moms who get hit in the gut with the words "there might be a health risk with your baby". I've been there. I "get it". It sucks. It really, truly does. But I have grown tremendously from this whole experience and can now sympathize with those who have gone through or are going through the very same thing. *Aha, moment.* "I see what ya did there, God. I understand now. Well played."
It is far better to put your trust and faith in THE Great Physician, (the Author of life itself) rather than any physician here -on earth- no matter how many letters are after their name. Doctors know lot's of things, but they don't know everything. Don't let educated guesses and/or medical tests, studies or statistics ever trample your confidence in what the Lord can do. God's plan is always far greater than ours. Whether everything turns out A.O.K. or things turn out less than A.O.K... God is still sovereign.
We will never know if the "little white spot" on Dominic's heart was anything or not. And if it was really a concern, did the Lord heal him of it while still in the womb? Or was it all just a test? God's way of saying "Game time, Jenna. Do you trust Me? I mean do you REALLY trust me? Remember there is nothing that is out of my control."
I don't have all the answers. But I do know one thing. We serve an awesome God! And it is HIM I have to thank for my handsome, healthy, happy boy.
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